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[13 Apr 2004|10:53am] |
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man i really dont update in this thing enough, i apologize. honestly like ive said a million times before its just strange to me to write all this down. anyways... this past weekend was easter happy easter to anyone who reads this. saturday was the birthday of a good friend of ours Buddy, from cali. benj and joel were having a party for him at the place their staying at so tony and i flew out there. i dont even know where to being... obviously there was one hell of a party. tony had convinced everyone that bonging beers would be fun, so we did. it was just about everyone's first time doing that, and you get pretty shit faced. it was me, benj, joel, tony, buddy, dave, and about 15 other friends that we know from cali shit faced. we ended up playing a game of "fucked up truth or dare" mind you before this we were smoking weed. there was so much shit going on. benji and joel were nearly dared to do everything they possibly could, only because everyone there wanted to watch them do shit, ill be the first too admit thats hot stuff. later on in the game benji was dared to make out with tony, i was dared to make out with joel, benji and joel were dared to make out for 10 minutes, then... joel and i were dared to fuck... and we did... in my sober mind i would have never done only because i care way too much about benji and joel. but we ended up fucking because of the state of mind we were in. i dont know how it happened but within minutes of being dared of it we were going at it. everyone now has been talking about how benji watched on masturbating to the site before tony was trying to give him a blow job but apparently he wouldnt let tony... but he let buddy. me and joel didnt last too long, but right before i... finished joel told me too pull out. he didnt want me to cum in him so i did as he asked, and i have no complaints he loves benji and thats exactly why he told me to pull out, something like that should only be saved for someone you really love. everyone knows i have feelings for joel and what scares me is that im going to lose both him and benji as friends now. im scared that benji may believe i did it trying to come between them so last night i talked to joel about it after tony and i got back home. everything seems to be alright so hopefully nothing bad comes from this. i better get going i dont even know if they wanted me to talk about this so before i get myself in anymore shit im heading out. later.
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[10 Mar 2004|12:12am] |
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man its been awhile since i updated. i apologize. im just not very good with these things and opening up this way. a lot has been going on since i last wrote. me and tony are working on things. it seems to be ok he seems to have changed. i was hesitant at first, i figured it was some sort of joke to get in my pants but he's been willing to take it slow. i dont know what came over him to change like he did but whatever it was it worked. we tried working on things with benj and joel. they have enough going on so tony's backed off until they're ready to deal with that. ive been helping joel out a little on his birthday plans for benji. it's really sweet what he's doing. and no benji ive seen... im not telling you so don't even ask!
we're on tour right now. we've laughed we've cried, we've been sick. but all in all its great as always. but yeah i apologize for not updating (if anyone even reads this) also i apologize for not adding those of you who added me, sooner. anyways im gunna get going i always feel weird like im talking to myself when i write these things. blah. anyways. later.
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[01 Jan 2004|01:45am] |
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im confused. i just got back to the hotel about 15 minutes ago and joel is no where around. last i heard he didn't have any plans for the night he was just gunna try and get some sleep. i tried calling his cell but got the voice mail. i dont know maybe he went out with his sister or something. i know she had called him earlier. i dont want to worry to much, although im not sure if i should or not. hopefully he's just with family or friends. i tried calling benji but no one's picking up there either, but he hasn't been answering for the past few days so i dont know what to think.
joel, if you read this before you check your voice mail leave me a note or something. ill leave my phone on tonight if you want to give it call.
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[31 Dec 2003|12:27pm] |
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well joel finally fell asleep earlier. i ran out of things to do when he did. no one to comfort like i have been for the past 4 days. so in case anyone cares i added everyone who's added me to their friends list. sorry it took so long. maybe you could give me a fair warning if you're going to take me off of your friends list just leave me a note it's kinda hard to go through the whole list to try and find who doesn't have me added anymore. thanx. alright i need to find something to do with myself.
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[31 Dec 2003|02:00am] |
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well things are still weird around here. joel and i talked earlier today. he kinda let out everything that was on his mind. it's some heavy stuff he's dealing with right now. i can say in some tiny way i know what he's talking about. then again i have no idea what it's like to be in a relationship with someone who means the entire world to you, then walk into find them the way joel found benji. joel said he's regretted a lot of things he's said to benji over the past couple days. i knew he would, i knew he did at the time. he said that thinking about benji and talking to him right now gets him more upset than what he already is and it's made him say a lot of things that he didn't mean. i guess that morning he went home to find benji in his bed it broke him down, he was close to just crawling next to him, hugging him. he said that he wanted to lay there next to him and have benji make the pain go away the way benji usually does but what the hardest part of it all is, is that benji's the reason of this pain, which is obvious to understand. he's breaking down. i know joel, pretty well at least. I know that most of the things he's said he'd never actually say them and mean them. he's hurt right now, he's not an asshole... his best friend, his brother, his lover betrayed him. the one person who is suppose to make everything better... is the one who caused everything to go wrong. i think they need sometime but i dont think this is end of the two of them, i dont think anyone who knows them would allow it to be the end of them. i know joel wants to give in, but the thought of what he saw is stopping it... he just needs time. but forever hasn't ended for them.
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[28 Dec 2003|09:15pm] |
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well well well go figure that tony cant keep to himself and feels like he can get away with anything. as if he shit don't stink.. let me tell you it does! joels been over here at my hotel room since about noon today. obviously i dont have a lot of details so im not going to get into that. he's a wreck. i sat next to him earlier while him and benji talked online. i know benji's sorry i know he means he's a good guy. joel's not taking it easy. i opened the door to him in tears this morning. his defense is to be jerk. reality is he's not taking this good at all. ive tried to offer all i can. but what do you offer someone who just walked in on the love of their life naked with another guy? i dont know what to do. i do know that ive been in messed up shit with tony. i believe that maybe tony didn't take advantage but i dont believe tony is innocent. who tries to tell there best friend who hasn't drank in two years to just have a beer? obviously tony. i know he wasn't trying to be an asshole... but come on. i dont know what to do for joel or what to say. at times he's crying, he punched a hole in the wall of the hotel room, he'll go almost numb at times and just stare... right now he's laying face down on the bed. i pray that the two of them work this out. he needs benji depsite what he says or how he tries to say other wise, you only get this hurt by something like this when you truly love the person who did it. i think everyone needs to lay off joel he's not being an asshole if benji would have been and really seen joel while joel was typing that... things would be different now. if joel would have had to say those things in person it would have never happened. i know joel well i know he's hurt beyond anything right now. if you know joel you know how much he loves benji. i think the two of them need some time alone. i went over to get some joel's things like he asked me too... benji's not in the best condition either but he didnt stay long he told me to just leave the door unlocked and he went off driving somewhere. i got back to the hotel and could see joel was worried about benji, he almost had to catch himself before asking if benji was ok. he's hurt. and he's acting more mature than i ever could about finding someone i love naked in bed with their best friend. joel hasn't said much since he got offline with benji he's just been crying, or quiet. i hope that everything works out for them. i hope that if things work out MAYBE this time tony can stay out of their relationship and just leave them alone!
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[05 Oct 2003|02:56pm] |
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ive just decided to forgive tony. there is no use in the bickering shit. nothing has happened. he hasnt tried anything. it makes me wonder if how he said he felt about me was real or if it was just so i could forgive him and talk to him again. who knows. i guess it wasnt meant to be. its not like i can really be that sad though. its not like i had anything in the first place. cant cry over something you never had. hes to fickle anyways. ive been talking a lot with joel. hes helped me to figure out a few things. he told me to try with tony if i really truly love him. and i do. but im not even getting any kind of signs from tony. so therefore i will lay off. it just wasnt meant to be. its probably really fucking sick anyways.
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[27 Sep 2003|02:36pm] |
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uh.. i dont know what to say. i figured i should at least put this thing to use considering i have one. we're on tour with the gc boys again. feels like old times... well parts of it feel like old times. a lot has changed since the first time.
i dont even know where tony and i stand right now. we're not really talking to each other. at least not about that. im not sure if thats a good thing or a bad thing. its good in the sense that we're not bringing it up in front of others or acting hostile towards each other and making people uncomfortable. and its bad because like i said i dont know where we stand.
from what i understand things arent to great with benj and joel right now. joel and i went for coffee last night after the show. we had a nice long talk about our fucked relationships... if thats what you want to call them. he's having a really hard time lately. i know joel pretty well its always been tony and benji and matt and joel, i know that what he did was never meant to happen. joel would never intentionally hurt benji... i know this from even before they were "dating" he loves benji to much to do something to hurt him on purpose. i hope that something can happen soon that will help those two out.
of course i poured my heart out to him about tony. its just hard to write about how i feel knowing others can read it. nothing against people who choose to read what i write. this is all so weird. joel offered comfort and advice. of course the two of us aren't in that great of state, but its nice to have someone to talk to. the people that the two of normally go to for that sort of support are the people that... well you know.
ok im not good at this "venting my feelings" so im going to go gotta get ready for sound check. bye.
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[13 Sep 2003|10:20pm] |
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fine... you know what tony here's your chance go ahead and tell me whatever is you need to tell me. i dont want to do it in person or the phone because personally i dont believe me reaction to you wouldn't be very positive. so here ya go tony feel free...
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[11 Sep 2003|12:56pm] |
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this is fucking retarded. what tony? what the fuck are you going to possibly say if i pick up the phone? "im sorry matt, i had no idea how you felt. if i could take it back i would." there you go no need to waste your fucking breath. ive already heard you say sorry, ive read your fucking entries i see that. now fucking stop. ill talk to you when im fucking ready too. i dont want to see you, think about you, or hear you right now. trust me it would be best that i dont. cause i could fucking HIT you right now. personally i dont feel like hitting a family memeber or anyone for that matter so its best that we dont talk or see each other until im ready too.
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[09 Sep 2003|09:20pm] |
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tony stop calling my fucking cell. im not going to pick up. you are the last person i want to talk to right now.
anyways... the more and more i think about it im not really feeling these live journal things. they've brought me nothing but bad luck. personally i would have rather not known that tony only used me to get off so he could pretend it was benji.
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[08 Sep 2003|08:11pm] |
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hey, so i get this journal because tony starts telling me one day how he has one and that he found benji and joel online. of course then i wanted to one to be able to read what was going and write my own shit. well now i completely regret even wanting to know more about these goddamn things. is that what you get for loving someone for 4 years? you get to be used. you get to be their little play toy while they imagine someone else. then write about it. then fucking mention in the entry that the person they were imagining is "10x better" then the person they just used to get off. well you know what fuck off. my whole goddamn life ive put up with his stupid shit. and these past 4 years ive held my tongue. i havent even been with anyone, not like he would notice he's to fucked up in his own little world and doesnt see the shit around him. he really only cares about himself and of course his precious love. well news break you fucking jackass your love doesn't want you! he already has someone, and you know what im glad that breaks your heart.
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mathewlovato's journal